It’s weird thinking about your age after you’ve gotten married. I just turned 26 an hour ago, but I can’t help but feel time is running so fast. 22 years ago, I was just wondering how it felt like to be 12 years old and to finally have boobs.

Yeah, now I have boobs, but I’m starting to wonder how it would be like if I turned back time and re-did the things I regretted doing, starting from age four.

What if I could?

I probably should have not tried my hardest to ride a two-wheel bike without balancers. That way, my knees wouldn’t have been so scarred. I should have agreed with my mom’s suggestion of taking up ballet instead of Hawaiian dance, so I wouldn’t be dancing like a slut at bars when I’m drunk or pirouetting like an idiot when we were required to learn rhythmic gymnastics in elementary phys ed. I should have learned paddle sports or other girly sports instead of basketball, judo, kick-boxing, track or baseball so I would have gotten more boys in high school. I shouldn’t have learned how to smoke cigarettes so I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to quit. I should have spent more time with my grandma when she was alive. I should have paid more attention to my sister so she wouldn’t have had to go through shit that resulted to her schizophrenia.

But the thing is, I can’t go back.

What’s done, is done. Time machines just aren’t invented yet, so I would just have to live with my mistakes and see the best in the choices I’ve made. It’s hard, especially when you get the chance to sit down and look back what you’ve done for the past 26 years. You can’t help but think of the “what if’s,” and feel sad that you can’t do those things over again and make the right choices.

But then, you also think about the happy stuff, the good things that happened because of those choices you’ve made.

You realize that falling off over and over again a two-wheel bike without balancers taught you to ride better than most guys at such a young age. Performing with your belly shown and wearing a grass skirt in front of an audience gave you self-confidence when dealing with crowds. Learning boy sports made you closer to your dad, and caught the eye of the man you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Smoking cigarettes made you realize that life is short. You realize your grandma loved you more than any of your cousins, and taught you that family is more important than popularity and shallow friends. Your sister’s mental illness made you realize that you are a big sister and this is your chance to make it up to her.

You can’t go back, but you can move forward.

I’ve just passed the quarter-century mark, but I still have a few more decades. Give it a couple more decades and I’ll probably have to stop picking grey hairs off my head or I’ll get bald, but it’s ok. Life is worth it, no matter how frustrating it can be sometimes.

I don’t have the wisdom my parents acquired over their years of life experience, but I think I’m old enough to realize that completing another year since my birth goes to show that time is moving just a tad bit too quickly. I need to make the most out of it. And I will. That’s a birthday promise 🙂